Joseph, husband of Mary, stepfather of Jesus sat on a small handwoven rug in the mud hut he had constructed for the family. He sat with his legs folded in a dirty, yet white prom dress. The family consisted of just the three of them at this time. Joseph sat deep in thought contemplating the concept of the tripartite God. He spoke to himself in a barely audible voice, “Okay, the tripartite God consists of God the Father, God the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen. ” He became angry at this thought. His veins were red and bulging; he got angrier. Then his red and blue head started inflating like a balloon as if he were the star of a Saturday morning cartoon. He suddenly realized he was a cuckold. Any wonder the guys were laughing at him behind his back. He heard their remarks. He heard the rumors. It wasn’t funny.
Jesus was not his Son. Jesus was either the Son of God or the Son of Man. He was forced to accept this. Soooooo was Mary sleeping with a deity or Everyman on the street? Joseph’s blood pressure was “through the roof.” And this Jesus kid: changing a house by pointing his finger, anyone’s house; cooking meals on a stove; constantly feeding the neighborhood; making clothes, washing clothes; sweeping the houses, paving the roads, producing cars, putting up electric street lights, counseling married couples, walking around with some circular light over his head. He was the most popular guy in the neighborhood. Joseph refused to have his house upgraded. No “big deal.” No one visited. Everyone was eating fine foods and drinking champagne at the new 5 star hotel Jesus had created. What the Hell was champagne, not meaning to invoke Satan. Then there was the population growth issue. Jesus wouldn’t let anyone die. Any wonder Joseph stood up, bare footed in his prom gown, reached for the sky, arms extended and screamed in his loudest voice: “Jesus Christ!!!!!!!!!”
Joseph, husband of Mary, stepfather of Jesus stood at the intersection of Bethlehem and Jerusalem Streets. He was waiting for the light to change. He was wearing white bell bottomed pants with a solid fire engine red shirt. He wore a solid gold money emblem around his neck. The gold money emblem was five pounds of gold and was clearly classified as “Bling,” expensive “Bling, but “Bling, nonetheless. He also wore 1970’s platform shoes with vantablack, fire engine red checker board heels. The remainder of the shoes were covered with vantablack leather creating the appearance that Joseph was walking on air. The shoes were color coordinated with the remainder of his outfit, except for perhaps the leopard fur cap. Joseph was cruising pimp style through Galilee.
When Joseph realized the reality of his situation in the early A. D.’s, he decided to embrace it. He would pimp Mary; she wasn’t a Virgin anymore any how. How could she be a Virgin when she had already given birth to a child!? Joseph was not real happy about being a stepdad, but his stepson could do absolutely anything. If he had to have a stepson, why not Jesus. Jesus could walk on water and make water into wine. Joseph remembered the day that Jesus had miraculously transformed the water, in the lake he had walked upon, into wine. Joseph wouldn’t drink from the lake. He didn’t want to drink Jesus’ foot dirt and stench. The rest of the town didn’t care. They all got “hammered, even the alcoholics.”
However, Joseph was a little sad. He no longer worked as a carpenter. He had enjoyed making furniture from wood, carving plates, bowls and utensils from wood. With all the fine china, Mikasa, Limoges, Wedgwood etc… He didn’t need to make “things” anymore. Besides all of his work was primitive, who likes primitives!!!
He didn’t mind a good day’s work and the satisfaction he felt at the completion of a job. He liked when people would thank him and say, “Nice job, Joseph” and slap him on the back, but this was over now. People were interested in something else; he wasn’t sure what the interest was, but it wasn’t a good hard day’s work. So Joseph adapted and embraced the improper early A.D. lifestyle he was learning to love and started to embrace the coming of the new times. “Ah, Jesus Christ,” Joseph grinned tipping his head gently backwards while telling himself, “All in all. life is good.”
Joseph, husband of Mary, stepfather of Jesus entered his and Mary’s bedroom wearing just his prom dress. Mary lay waiting on her back silently in their Queen size bed for Joseph to arrive. The sheet that covered her was sheer. Joseph gazed at Mary through the sheer sheet with some combination of lust and love. He could see the Garden of Eden through the sheer light weight sheet. That aroused him. She wore her Virgin Mary blue robe, absolutely hot. Underneath she wore her pink gown of hope. Joseph was in fact hoping.
Her hands radiated light; he loved those warm hands. Her head had the circle of light around it. He could watch. The only problem he foresaw in the entire scenario was that she was crushing that snake. Why crush the snake? Joseph didn’t like having his fantasy disturbed while she crushed the snake underneath her foot. Suddenly, Mary arose from the Queen sized bed. She started slowly walking towards Joseph just dropping her pink gown of hope, a little, so Joseph could see the white flesh of her Sacred Melones.
Joseph became aroused and uncontrollably walked to Mary and put his arms around her and began to kiss her. Then he had an annoying thought. He started contemplating the concept of the Tripartite God again: The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost, Amen. Under this theory of God, then Mary would have been taken by God and Jesus at the same time. They are both part of the Godhead. Did Mary do threesomes? Joseph was obsessed with being sexually able to make Mary happy in bed. How does a man compete with God? God could do anything to make her happy. “Bam,” God makes her have an orgasm; “Bam,” she has another and another and another and another. He’s six rooms away from her and focusing on the rest of the universe. WTF. How does Joseph compete with that. He begins to push Mary away. She keeps moving towards him. She says, “Joe, Me so hoeney, me love you long time, sucky, sucky.” “Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ JEEEEESUS CHRIST!!!!” Collapse.